Conversational Etiquette

Let me begin by saying that I really love my mother-in-law! She's smart, witty, erudite, and fiercely loyal to her children and extended family. She's also, for those that know the reference, "Ma Claven" in person! There is very little that she doesn't know about and at 84, she can be extremely independent.

There is however, one small thing that she does that I'm sure she's not aware of. She has this habit of one-upping someone. It's not always her accomplishments but she is also more than willing to cite someone else, or their accomplishment during a conversation about you.

I remember having an essay published years ago. I was very proud of that and worked very hard on it, and to see it in print was very important to me. A friend was over the apartment visiting and I told her to watch what happens when I announce my article. Sure enough, she cited the time that SHE was published.

There was another time when I was talking about something that Jocelyn had done and how proud we were of her. Bam! She cited the accomplishment of her niece and some of the other little cousins.

This must be a genetic thing because all of the missus's cousins do the same thing! They seemingly cannot wait for you to finish what you're saying to begin their list of accomplishments...all of which are better than yours.

Now, I'm not going to fault her for it as a lot of people do it, and in her case, I'm sure she is just being conversational and drawing upon the things that she knows. But, after a while, when you know it's coming, you tend to not give her anything to talk about. I know...that's mean! LOL

But, have you also run into someone that will pooh-pooh what you have done/got/received and thereby one-up you there too? I remember when I got a portable DVD player for Christmas a couple of years ago. To me, it was a big deal as I thought they were so cool and were perfect for traveling. Well, Jocelyn shared my joy with me and when she announced what I received to a girlfriend's mother, the response was "Oh yeah...we've had one of those for a while!"

And, "proud" parents can be the worse when it comes to talking about their children!

So, lately, I've noticed a lot of one-up-manship in conversations occurring around me and I find it hilarious to a degree. I recall reading years ago in "How to Win Friends and Influence People" about a man who was in a conversation with another man for what seemed like forever. The first man came away with glowing praise for the second man. The reason? The second man let the first man do all the talking and all he talked about was himself!

Good conversation is an art and should include enough give and take to allow each person to feel that they were indeed IN an conversation, not a speech. Sometimes, though, there are people who by their make-up like to take front and center in all things. They seek the limelight and any and all of the praise that goes with it. Just watch the dynamics of people when you are in a social setting and look for the Lead Dogs or the Head Sisters In Charge! They will position themselves in such a way that THEY are the ones that you must go through; or that you will notice before you do everyone else.

Pride is a sorry thing sometimes.

I also venture to ask that when one is having a cyber conversation, say, text messaging each other, how much listening are YOU doing? Are you digesting everything that is being written to you trying to determine their meaning? You know how hard it is to do with only black and white text...there are no emoticons most of the time so listening intently is extremely important.

Or, do you overlook all of that and try very hard to make your point irrespective of what they are saying to you?

If you really know me, you will know that I have always tried to prop up those around me and in the process, I will get some praise for it but it's enough to make me feel good about myself. But, the important thing is that those around me get MORE! The Golden Rule is always in effect!

I have found, however, that when I do NOT listen closely enough, then I'm also not paying attention to myself and my actions in the exchange, and I always lose out. Always.

And, when you lose out on love as I have by not paying attention to them, or even myself, the lesson is a harsh one indeed!

So, what examples do you all have, my family? Make them juicy!